Tuesday, January 11, 2011
LIfe
So I went to the Dr yesterday to see the progress of my ovaries for this cycle. We had been using a medication to stimulate my ovaries. However, the Dr said that I am not responding to the med now for some reason. She said that the next step for us to try and have a baby will be IVF. This really bums me out. I feel like such a failure. I know that there is only so much that I can actually control but one of the things that I should be able to control is my weight and I haven't done that. It is also so hard to know that you are the reason your family cannot have a baby. It is so depressing. I feel that I have got to be a terrible person to not be able to have a baby. I feel so broken. And since the weight issue is so out of whack i feel like a failure again. Why do i have no will power? I don't know where to start so I don't start. I feel lost. I know that I need to remember to be grateful for what I have because I have so much. I love my family. My husband is wonderful and works so hard for our family. I am so blessed to be able to stay home with our son because of his hard work. I am SO blessed to have the opportunity to be a mom for our son. How he came to us is an absolute miracle. Sometimes I think that maybe I have had my miracle, but then I see my son have to play alone. He is sometimes so lonely. And that is my fault. I am not a fun little kid. He would be such a great big brother. I wish I had someone more to talk to . I don't want to make anyone feel bad for having their own kids, choosing not to have kids or struggling with their own fertility. I just don't want to be a burden. I guess this is life. I need to make some better choices and do what I can to change what I can control and then leave the rest. I just got a sweet "I love you mom". I just have to keep going. We all do.
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I have to tell you, I felt the exact same way... everytime I got pregnant. I had 3 kids before I was 21. Even on birthcontrol. I felt like a failure, because I could barely handle the kids I had, then I kept having more. I hated telling people I was expecting again, especially someone in your place, where they were trying so desperately to have kids. I thought how unfair, I don't want more right now, and they do... why can't the lord give mine to them.
ReplyDeleteI see now the lord works in messed up ways sometimes... I am so glad we had our kids as quickly, and as young as we did. It gave them more time with their father, and gave me all of them... imagine if I had waited... I could have missed out on one of my 4 reminders of my lost husband.
I know this doesn't make the pain go away, but sometimes seeing that other people hurt in other situations... I am sending you my love... best wishes.