LIfe

So I went to the Dr yesterday to see the progress of my ovaries for this cycle. We had been using a medication to stimulate my ovaries. However, the Dr said that I am not responding to the med now for some reason. She said that the next step for us to try and have a baby will be IVF. This really bums  me out. I feel like such a failure. I know that there is only so much that I can actually control but one of the things that I should be able to control is my weight and I haven't done that. It is also so hard to know that you are the reason your family cannot have a baby. It is so depressing. I feel that I have got to be a terrible person to not be able to have a baby. I feel so broken. And since the weight issue is so out of whack i feel like a failure again. Why do i have no will power? I don't know where to start so I don't start. I feel lost. I know that I need to remember to be grateful for what I have because I have so much. I love my family. My husband is wonderful and works so hard for our family. I am so blessed to be able to stay home with our son because of his hard work. I am SO blessed to have the opportunity to be a mom for our son. How he came to us is an absolute miracle. Sometimes I think that maybe I have had my miracle, but then I see my son have to play alone. He is sometimes so lonely. And that is my fault. I am not a fun little kid. He would be such a great big brother. I wish I had someone more to talk to . I don't want to make anyone feel bad for having their own kids, choosing not to have kids or struggling with their own fertility. I just don't want to be a burden. I guess this is life. I need to make some better choices and do what I can to change what I can control and then leave the rest. I just got a sweet "I love you mom".  I just have to keep going. We all do.

Something that I made- Felt purse with flowers

So here are some pics of a felt purse that I made. Kinda cute! What do you think? I realized taking these pics I need to learn how to take better pictures. Oh well, one day at a time!

First Monday of 2011

So we have already had lots of fun today. I had a Dr. appointment for an ultrasound to check the status of my eggs and everything. Only one egg was there in my right ovary. My left ovary has not been making any eggs for the last couple of cycles. The one egg was small, but my Dr said that I am on the same schedule that I was on when i did get pregnant last year. So I have another appointment on Friday. Of course, hubby is in TEXAS, AGAIN!!! SOOOO i will probably be flying to Houston on Saturday for some romance out of town, unless Karl can get home. Oh, I hope those who can conceive on their own understand how blessed they are to not have all this drama to get their babies. Cole and I then went to the library and to McDonald's cause he got a gift card for Christmas. I feel so bad for my sweet boy- he is so lonely and wants someone to play with. I am not that fun! I did get my Christmas put away in the boxes, i just have to take them out to the garage and then let Karl take the tree downstairs and it will be all done.

I also need to plan my next craft project and get started on it! One day at a time, right!?!?

What are you doing today???

New Year and New Goals!

So I had a quite distractible summer and fall for 2010. Crafting did go well, especially after my dear hubby fixed my favorite sewing machine for Christmas. I made some stuffed animals and they turned out pretty cute! The best one was a little Eeyore that we gave to our niece for Christmas. I will need to get some pics up. I also have been working on my craft room- I built a tool board with pegboard and sheet metal, raised up my ironing/work table, threw tons of stuff away as well as giving away stuff I didn't need any more. I am working on streamlining what I have, what I will actually use and putting everything away. 


Cole has been growing so fast! He is going to be 5 in May. He loves preschool and I have to get him enrolled in kindergarten for the fall. Today he met his new primary teachers and stopped freaking out about changing to the new class. 


October was a hard month for us. We found out at the end of September that I was pregnant! I know, amazing. When you are doing fertility treatments, it is amazing how much of the whole process is planned and tracked. By the time that most pregnancies are barely detected I had gone to 5 dr appointments!! We saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks 5 days and went back for another ultrasound at 8 weeks 5 days. That was when we learned that our baby's heart had stopped beating. There was no reason or something that explained the loss, but it was devastating. It was the first appointment that my hubby had been able to make it to and Cole was there as well. But I did have an amazing experience during this appointment. Just before we went into the ultrasound room, I just had a weird feeling. I got up on the table and they began the ultrasound. I looked at the screen, searching for the flutter of the heart. I was so amazed at how much the baby had grown since the last ultrasound. There was no flutter, no movement. My doctor moved the scanner, but there was nothing. She said that she was so sorry but there was no heartbeat. I looked up at the ceiling, then rolled my head to the side where my husband and son were sitting. It was then that the most amazing feeling i had ever felt poured over me. I felt the most peaceful feeling of gratitude for what I had at that moment. Yes I was loosing this most wanted and prayed for pregnancy, but it was going to be fine. I had so much. I couldn't even cry. I don't know why I didn't struggle more with the miscarriage, but maybe it was a preparation type experience. 


My sweet hubby and my parents took it the hardest I think. My dear dad showed up at my door with a bucket of pansies because they were the only purple flower in bloom that late. (The irony of that will be explained later!) 


I have learned a lot this last year and I want to do better this year. I am making a goal to post something every week. I want to spend time doing the things that bring me happiness, stress relief and peace. I really enjoy crafting so I want to that. I am also wanting to fulfill more goals but I have to work them out more first.


Anyway, random as ever, I hope everyone had a wonderful new year and is ready to make 2011 a crafty one!